Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
Currently tripping balls and watching Pink Floyd the wall and I'm crying during it. If this isn't a self realization then I don't know what to tell you.
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
Randomize
