when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
the story is to long to tell you via txt so when you notice the tattoo on your ass call me.
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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