My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
he thought i was a dude.
The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
Oh well shit happens. This is my not worried face. This is also my still decently drunk face.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
thanks. im glad you find me better in your comparison between me and fat girl porn.
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
I have serious attachment issues. I just realized how long its been since ive smoked out of my bong and I feel guilty for dis owning it this week
Randomize
