So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
Is the party worth it?
I am drink. Beer pony and singing.
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
What the matter? A girl can't play some Super Mario without being accused of being high?
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
