if he's not good at sex i should be allowed to have sex with someone who is. that's a totally legit statement i think
don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
Basically, I'm sure one day I'll look back on this part of my life and be ashamed....
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
I'm like a saiyan, every time I get trashed I come back stronger
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
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