We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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