even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
Some are given great drunkenness. Others have great drunkenness thrust upon them, in the form of ice storms.
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
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