im walking the streets of bville with a bag of cat food..looking for my car. i dont ever want to turn 21 again.
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
They have beer where we have blood.
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
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