Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
As for the other mouse...I don't have any mouse traps so I put a Jell-O shot on the ground. Party hard little dude.
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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