Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
The neighbors in the apartment above us are at it again. The roleplay this time is cop and prostitute. I give it 30 minutes, you? Already sounds better than the last one
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
Randomize
