Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
How do the freshmen here NOT understand the tricks we are playing on them by now? Doesn't bode well for grad numbers. Idiots.
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
When are you going to accept the fact he is gay?
Come on... He's just practicing.
Ok. That's acceptable.
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
Thought for a game. Duck, Duck, Grey Goose. If you're tapped, you take a shot. Then proceed as normal.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
Randomize
