You hurt me so bad and it feels so good
i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
I think his roommates are using word magnets to tell me that they can hear us. His fridge currently says, "Chris ate out naughty girl."
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Randomize
