Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
so she asked me if I thought she was fat and naturally I said no..... but I think she might catch on
who is she? I really hope you have an explanation cause either you think I'm fat or you're cheating on me
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
okay just a general question, but if i got arrested, who here would bail me out. this is important.
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
Randomize
