i wouldnt be suprised if in indian your name meant "walking lie"
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
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