Dont judge me. Him and his friends got me drunk for free, the least i could do was suck his dick
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
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