Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
Btw I have come to the conclusion that we really need to do it in a bed. Like at least once..
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
where are my pants?
in the oven.
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
false alarm, still single
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
Randomize
