Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
Mom said it is up to us to plan Thanksgiving. Hooters or Scores?
Or???
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
Randomize
