I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
you're just mad because in the hogwarts world I'm Harry and you're Ron. get over it.
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
no, I didn't go in the end. Too hungover and hot, plus Star Wars is on so obviously I'm having a naked day.
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
I have a tab of a google image search of onion rings open and it is making me so happy.
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
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