Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
You don't seem to appreciate the rareness of his junk.
Send me a picture. I'm more of a visual learner.
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
Randomize
