We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
You are not answering and I think it is because you spent 80 dollars worth of drinks on you hot cousin.
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
We kind of broke a table making out. So yes, I'd say it was successful.
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
Randomize
