Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
So your brother is gay after all... Just caught him making out with my brother... Apparently he's gay too
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
Randomize
