yea and when she crawled to her room she yelled at a bookbag to "get the fuck out my way"
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
i guess i had fun last thursday night because when i got on the drunk bus this thursday night everyone immediatley started chanting my name and telling me to do a bus flip
whats a bus flip?
idk but apparently i invented it
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
My last google search was 'bulk asian wives' I don't know either
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
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