Screwed.edu
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
show concern. Mark ate a butterfly and proceeded to drink more shots like nothing happened
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
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