So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
dude you have to find out what a girl's name is before you sleep with her. if her name is debbie she's boring, if her name is lauren she's an overrated hoebag, if her name is meagan she gived bad head.
yeah so i didn't even realize i was on meth until the next morning
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
do you think women who transgender themselves have the option of getting a circumcised or an uncircumcised dick?
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
i love all of you. Physical. Emotional. Mental. All of it. When we speak i feel like a feather or a dragon depending on the conversation ...
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
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