Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
This is classic penis vs brain.
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
did i just pee glitter
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
Randomize
