I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
Bro my mom is in for two days and you can't even hold back on the drinking she said as she left i hope he doesn't always pee his pants and he is sure popular with the girls wtf
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
Randomize
