My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
i should probably stop thinking with my vagina, and start using that $70, 000 education i can't afford. what the fuck.
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
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