I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
I just showed my boobs to our astate representative hahahahahahha
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
I think there is a legit party going on the place we thought was AA
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
Randomize
