Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better"
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
Sean just lit a cig with his taser..... I am in awe
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
We smell like vodka and hangover
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