sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
why is pumping your own stomach in your searches on youtube?
We're going to play a drinking game. It's called "Senior Year of College."
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
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