apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
I mean, she is a dancer for the Suns. If I didnt fuck her that would just be bad team spirit.
just spent about 3 1/2 hours looking for a dollar so I can buy weed.
suggestion: become a stripper.
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
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