Don't make out with my wife yet
I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
Just found puke on my backpack while sitting in class. It's like this weekend won't leave me alone.
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
watching spice world high feels so wrong yet so right
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
Went and sat in the wrong fucking class for 30 mins, answering questions and shit. What ever this is i will be on it for the rest of the semester.
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
Randomize
