she's basically destroyed all of the faith i had that skinny blond girls could be a functioning part of society.
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
Tomorrow morning i will black in to find a christmas tree in my room that i dont remember how i got. I love college
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
Randomize
