I want leopard sheets
haha sexcapades
thats the plan
i always forget guys have bellybuttons
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
Randomize
