I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
I wonder how vigorously I can jack off in a one person tent without being noticed???
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
Randomize
