Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
Things got a little weird when he fired up his homemade flamethrower in the living room.
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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