cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
we were playing waterfall, then strip waterfall, then we were just listening to music, drinking, and slowly becoming more naked
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
All I know, is I had green sex and beer and got driven home. That's it.
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
Randomize
