She has a t-rex face on a stuart little body.
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
wearing my roomate's scarf as a dress...halloween 2011 ladies and gentlemen
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
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