Dude judst bought snd smokked tfour white widoew jointsd in Asmsterdam. Wstching the Cvhiefs gsme. Oh Boy.
You are why other countries hate Americans. But I say God bless you.
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
Do you think Brian would let me smoke while we fuck? I'm not sure ill survive exams without a constant nicotine intake
I can't turn off my feet"
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
Randomize
