Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
Does boxed wine and camel crushes signify a college date? Lets hope so
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
He never answered about passing his structures test no matter how I asked him. He did send a text saying that he would be "pouring alcohol into his head and balls" so I'm guessing he has to retake the whole class.
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
she crossed my comfort zone...i thought i was a freak
said the guy with a pink sex swing...
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
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