I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
How is it? Sketchville?
cheap drinks and peanuts cancel out any form of sketchiness
This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
im on a boat
How did you get this number?
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
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