i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
Its what im here for. Critiquing penis photos.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
What are you talking about?! I shot gunned a monster while simaltaneously blowing gym boy Todd. If I'm not the poster child for being well rounded and versatile I have no idea what NYU is looking for
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
Randomize
