I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
I just wanted to hook up with a white guy to prove that i could go back.
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
Randomize
