I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
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