only you would photoshop your dick
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
Unfortunately the rum ran out midway through our viewing and we had to suffer in silence for the rest of it.
Randomize
