Just met a female bro. Things are weird at the rugby party.
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
I did shrooms last night. My drug checklist is complete, I can finally graduate.
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
Randomize
