The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
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