We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
eating taco bell the same day as formal = probably a bad idea
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
Randomize
