There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
so i ran into nick. i may be more gay than anticipated
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
I spent the entire night stroking his hair. He was cool with it. Never thought a ginger stoner would help me work through my social anxiety but here we are.
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
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