I want leopard sheets
haha sexcapades
thats the plan
where are you?
in the room with the baby pig
k im coming soon
We owe the rent and you're unemployed...you're in no financial position to flirt with cocaine addiction.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
Randomize
