Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
so how was last night?
got high and had our usual talk about the definition of cole slaw. then tried to call the ramen noodle company and convince them why my face should be on thier packages.
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
Randomize
