and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
